feline pretzel

so while my cat may be totally fail at being a ninja, she is in fact pretty damn pro at being a pretzel.  and she totally puts herself in these positions, i couldn't stage it even if i wanted to. 

i have no idea how any of that is any form of comfortable.

high five! sorta

so the cheese blarg is having another little contest.  this time you were to submit a picture of an animal high five.  the preference was for a drawing, but since i can't draw animals all that great, and i do have this super spiffy cool camera, i figured i would go for the taking of a picture option.  honestly, i think it would have been easier to just try and draw the stupid cat.  trying to get a cat to high five you is not as easy as it sounds.  and it doesn't even really sound that easy to begin with.  the end result sorta looks more like my cat trying to desperately eat my fingers in an attempt to get at the treat that i was using to bribe her more than it looks like a high five, but whatever.  i should at least get a b+ for effort.*

* b+ because i cheated and used the auto setting on my camera

bath time!

so the fail ninja was feeling pretty grungy lately.  i have no idea why because she's a totally indoor cat.  but some how she went and got herself all dirty feeling.  and since she sleeps with me, i kinda wasn't too keen on that.  so today was bath day.  and while she is actually very tolerant of water due to the fact that i bathed her a lot when she was a kitten, she still doesn't enjoy it.  and since it's the only time she's allowed to go in the bathroom, she pretty much knows what's up as soon as the door closes.  she tried to hide behind the toilet, but considering how insanely small the bathroom is, that didn't work too well for her.  the bath prevailed, and we both survived without injury.  my drain, not so much.  it is clogged with cat hair now and i need to go buy some draino or something.  but at least the cat is clean.  and avoiding me.  oh well.  she'll get over it in about four hours when it's dinner time.  then i'll be her best friend again. 

pretty sure she's trying to flip me off

the toilet ate my phone!

i was talking with someone on WoW tonight about how lost i feel if i don't have my cell phone.  as much as i hate to admit it, i really am sorta dependent on it.  mostly because i don't have a land line and it's the only way people can reach me if there is an emergency.  but anyway, we got to talking about how long we've gone without a cell phone since having one.  i was out of a phone for about two days.  because mine got eaten.  by a toilet.

via

about two or so years ago i was working at a little tourist shop the next town over.  i had to take a bathroom break, and the store i worked at didn't have it's own bathroom.  i had to lock up the shop and use the bathroom in the restaurant next store.  so i do my thing, and when im done i get up, put the pants back on, and turn around the flush.  i should probably mention that i was wearing a zip up hoodie that had a broken zipper, so it kinda just hangs there.  and i happened to have my cell phone in the pocket of the hoodie.  and apparently that pocket was way more shallow than i thought it was.  as i turn around, it kinda made the pocket swing around.  right as i pushed the handle to flush, my phone goes flying out of my pocket and lands in the bowel.  and then it was gone.  i swear the flush power on the toilet must be the same that is in an airplane toilet, because it seemed like it was jet powered.  that or there is a toilet monset that really needed to make a phone call so it stole my phone.  either way, my phone was long gone before i even had a chance to think "wtf?"  so this lead to me being phoneless for the next two days.  luckily i was up for a free upgrade, so i was able to get a new phone really fast.  but honestly, those two days just plain sucked.  stupid jet powered toilet monster. 

earning her nick name once again

so it has long been established that kylie fails horribly as a ninja.  so far, the photographic evidence has been, well, mediocre.  what she lacks in stealth she makes up for in speed, and unless i'm really lucky, a lot of shots of her attempting ninja stunts will end up as just blurs of black and white fur.  but not this time!  i finally have hard evidence of what i've always been talking about.  the other day, i was getting ready to go back to work after my lunch break, and the cat had been hanging out on the stairs.  she heard me get up from my computer chair and start walking toward the stairs.  i can only assume that had some grand ambush scheme planed out, because she decided to "hide" from me.  now there is a very, very good reason i put quotes around hide.   according to mr. daniel webster, to hide means to put out of sight; to keep secret; to screen from or as if from view.  to kylie is means this:

FAIL!

apparently she doesn't quite grasp the concept that just because she can't see me, doesn't mean i can't see her.  oh well.  so much for that super sneaky awesome ambush plan.  better luck next time, fail ninja.  better luck next time.

behold! the awesomeness that is my artwork

so way back when in college, melanie and i took freshman math together.  melanie recently unearthed a rare and precious artifact from that time.  basically, the teacher bored us to tears.  in order to stay awake we decided to do it up high school style and play a MASH game.  i honestly only remember who one of the guys was on it, and most of the other stuff is just totally random.   like she was a vet and he was a lawyer and the lived in a shack with twenty two kids.  this was the end result of the that game:

i decided that there was way too much randomness going on there and things needed to be taken one step further.  i also may have just been ridiculously bored.  either way, i determined that it needed to be illustrated.

  

i also figured that parts of it needed explaining.  like they live in a shack and have their truck on blocks even though they make good money because they need to feed twenty two children.  their last name is hyphenated three times just because (but i blacked it our here for privacy).  melanie had a shoulder problem at the time, so her stick figure likeness has a sling as well.  so does her only daughter because she takes after her mom.  the guy has little questions marks above his head because he was kinda clueless, and the one son matches him.  the rest of the sons are named billy something.  one is also part goat just because.  he eats paper and grass so they don't need to feed him.  and the horse is named bo diddly because it's awesome.  and because bo diddly is awesome, i later decided an english class that he needed to go to a horse show.  this was a lot harder to pull off than the first one, mostly because of class size.  there were about four hundred in our math class, so it wasn't like the professor would notice.  there were about twenty in english class, and we had to both keep stifling giggles.  at one point the teacher asked us what was so funny.  this is why we were laughing:

 

melanie is riding her horse with her sling.  i'm on my horse who likes to pretend he is still a race horse.  you can tell this from the "action lines."  some stupid little kid on a pony wins the class because that seriously always happens in real life.  the jumps are the most random sizes i could think of.  the confused kid who takes after the dad is actually being used as part of a jump because he wandered onto the course.  half of the rest of the kids are melanie's cheering section.  the other half (plus two neighbor kids that they hired to help*) are pulling the horse trailer because the truck is on blocks. 

so yeah, this is the kind of stuff i do when i get bored.  kind of a little insight into how my mind works here.  oh and i do take requests.  i will illustrate al la stick figures almost anything.  so if something would just tickle your fancy to see it in stick figure form, let me know in the comments below and i'll see if i can't make your stick figure dreams come true.

* or that i accidentally draw two extra kids and needed an excuse to cover up that fact

where i get my hits

so i check my blog stats like all the time.  i find it interesting to see where my readers are coming from, what key words are leading people here, what pictures get the most google traffic, things like that.  it's entertaining to me.  especially when i can see what phrases i got hits from in a google search.  because one phrase keeps coming up, and i'm pretty damn sure that the people searching it end up being very disappointed when they read that post.  especially since that post is called puerto rican blow jobs , and it ends up being almost entirely about shoes.  another funny one (to me at least) is how many people search for "sylvannas windrunner nude."  apparently there are a lot of horny WoW nerds out there.  really not sure why i come up in that search, probably just because i have a pic of a girl dressed as sylvannas from blizzcon last year.  

picture-wise, my blizzcon ones by far get the most hits.  not just the ones of myself, but the ones from last year's event.  that doesn't surprise me at all, especially now with blizzcon only about a month away.  people are looking for costume ideas, or trying to figure out what to expect when they go.  what does surprise me is how many people want to see my messed up foot  from when i fucked it up last halloween.  and it's usually very specific searches, which is kinda weird.  stuff like "blue bruising on foot like blood specks."  i've had like five searched for that phrase.  

oh and other than the united states and canadia*, where i actually know people, i'm pretty big in germany, the uk, and malaysia.  i have no idea why.  guess i'm just cool like that.

*totally spelled wrong on purpose because it is was more fun to pronounce it that way.  try it, i dare you.

cheeseblarg photo hunt

so i'm doing a photo scavenger hunt for the cheeseblarg.  the rules are no google pics, and you can use anything that reasonably fits the subject.  thank goodness i take pics of everything, so nothing on here was googled.  and my parents are totally awesome for helping out with this.  so, here's my submission:

1. A cat in a window

thank you, fail ninja

2. Bare feet in grass

i want bonus points for this because i'm allergic to grass

3. Bacon

meet wrapped in bacon.  awesome

4. A squeaker

don't worry, he was a pet and allowed to be there

5. 3 people holding cards

my parents are so awesome for taking pics of themselves and sending them do me for the sole purpose of this scavenger hunt

birthday cards count!

and she makes tres

6. Cheese on an entire family

my cat is like my kid, so she counts as family

7. Someone wearing a hat

wearing a hat and carrying a gun.  good combo

8. A bird, not in a tree

totally on the ground and not in a tree

9. The color red, only the color red

this counts right?  i figured it was more exciting than a red block

10. You holding a sign referring to Da Cheeseblarg

blue hair makes everything better

11. The cutest chocolate you can find

what's cuter than chocolate labs playing with a stick on the beach?

12. Velcro

why having multiple purses is a good thing

13. An upside down book

one of my favorites

14. Something I write about all the time but have not put in the list

you really need to read the blarg to get this

15. Ice cream

best. shelf. ever.

16. A chance

i'm deathly scared of sharks, and won't go int the ocean because of it.  so this person is taking a chance that he will leave the ocean with all his limbs attached and not eaten. 

17. Something nerdy

that's on the back of my car and it's the horde emblem for WoW

18. A yellow flower

puuuuurty

19. A crack in a sidewalk

all i had to do was walk outside my front door for this

20. The inside of a grocery store

ninja shot taken with my phone

21. A person wearing a barrette

it's dark, but it's there

22. A scavenger

they have to scavenge for food because they are so ugly that no one invites them to the dinner table

 annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd...........done!

ever get the feeling you're being watched?

well i get that all the when i'm on my computer.  i just know that some where, someone is staring at me.  and it's not because i'm paranoid. and i'm not imagining things.  and i'm not crazy (well, not the bad kind at least).  it's because i know for sure that i'm always being watched.  and what makes me so certain?  two words: photographic evidence.  yep, i was able to capture the culprit on film.  

she was attempting to stalk me by "hiding" behind my monitor.  she probably could have done this by crouching behind my monitor while on my desk, where it would have actually covered most of her body.  but she chose to crouch on the little ledge behind my monitor that lifts here up to be almost level with it.  and people wonder why i call her fail ninja.  

another thing that is not ninja? trying the whole hiding in plain sight thing and trying to steal stuff when i'm looking right at her.  i swear, she's lucky she's cute.

ewwwwwww! man thong!

ok so a totally unrelated conversation today sparked this wonderful/awful memory from my college years.  melanie should appreciate this since she was right there next to me to see it in all it's disturbing glory.  i'm talking about the man thong incident. 

way back when we lived in the dorms together.  and for some reason, the first floor was set up with the guys on the left and the girls on the right, but every other floor had guys on the right and girls on the left.  this meant that those closest laundry room to us was the one on the guy's side.  and since a lot of these guys apparently never did laundry, they had a tendency to forget they had started in and leave their clothes in the washer and/or dryer for hours after the cycle was done.  this led to a lot of taking out guy clothes and putting them on top of the machine so you could wash your own clothes.  wasn't really a big deal.  no one seemed to ever care, and if they walked in on you doing it they usually just felt bad forgetting to come move their clothes and causing you an inconvenience.  i never really had a problem with doing it either since it was just usually jeans, t-shirts and the occasional boxer or bath towel.  no big deal.  that was, until the incident.

it started off as any other laundry day.  as usual, the machines were all done running but still full of clothes.  so i picked the machine on the end and started to pile the wet clothes on top of it.  all was going swimmingly until one little piece of clothing decided to break free from the pack and try to make a leap of freedom toward the door.  i had all the other clothes piled on top of the washer by now, so i turned around to pick up what had fallen.  i was expecting a sock or something based on the size of it.  but then i looked down and shrieked.  i don't remember exactly where melanie had been standing, but i do remember us both squealing out "ewwwwwww! man thong!"  the worse part was that i still needed to get this thing off the floor.  reminding myself that at least this was a clean man thong, i used two fingers to pick it up, touching as little of it as possible.  i then flung it at the pile of clothes, where it landed right smack dab in the center on top of every thing, for all the world to see.  

the worse part* of this all was the material it was made out of.  it wasn't silk or satin or any other type of sexy material that would have made this a "special occasion only" piece of clothing.  it was a grey jersey knit.  the kind of underwear material that you wear when you don't think anyone else will be seeing your undies that day.  so that meant this was some guy's casual, every day choice of underwear.  and personally, i like my man in boxers.  boxer briefs are pushing it, and tighty whities are right out.  i have no idea how i would react if a guy were to drop trouser in front of me and i was greeted by the sight of a man thong.  all i can say is that i am extremely glad i never found out who it belonged to.  i don't think i would have ever looked at that guy the same way again.

* ok, second worse part.  the first worse part was that i had to touch it.

why i less-than-three my mom

so a week or two ago i was feeling pretty depressed.  i called my mom and was talking to her about that, and all the things that were stressing me out.  today i get a package in the mail from my mom with a little note.  the note said "hope these help you feel better."  below is what was in the package itself:

it's ok to be jealous of the awesomeness that is those flip flops

this is why i love my mom.  she's a huge dork (in a good way) and always does silly little things like this.  and yes, it totally made me feel better.  and these are now by far the most awesome flip flops i have.  and considering i have about twenty pairs (and that my be under guessing), that really is saying something.

for you less than geeky readers, less-than-three = <3 = heart = love.  hope that clears it up some

alex made me do it!

why do so many of my stories start like that?  so this time is was starting an account at okcupid and it's all because of alex.  he wanted me to make one to see how well the compatibly match ups really were.  basically, my account was to be his control sample.  so since it's free and i had nothing better to do last night that answer a shit ton of random questions about myself, i figured what the hell.  so i do the whole thing, check and see how it matches us up,* blah, blah, blah.  anyway, about twenty minutes after i start this thing i get a message in my inbox.  so since i'm talking to alex on facebook while all this is going on, i let him know. if i remember right he said something along the lines of "that's bs!  i've only had one girl message me unprovoked, and you get a guy in less than an hour?"  yeah, yeah i did.  because i'm just that awesome.  and in less that twenty four hours, i have had a total of five guys contact me.  granted one was a pot head, and one is a crazy desperate guy that posts on craigslist every other fucking day, but still.  they picked me to creep on.  so take that alex.  i'm cooler than you are on this one.  and you can't bitch about it anyway since you made me sign up for it in the first place.  and no, listing the things i think about most as "sex and video games" is not cheating because it's true.  i can't help if the things i like are guy kryptonite. 

*66% match, 81% friends, 18% enemies.  his response? "why isn't the enemy score higher?"

darths & droids

so, as promised, this post will not be about WoW in any way, shape, or form.  but it is just as nerdy, if not more so.  without further ado, i bring you the genious that is:

 so this web comic is hilarious.  i've probably spent about 10 hours of my life reading all of the back comics.  i highly recommend you do the same.  it's star wars mashed up with d&d.*  except that star was never made.  the d&d campaign is star wars.  the comic starts with the phantom menace, or as they call it "the phantasmal malevolence."  considering that there are some pretty strange things that go on, as well some gaps in plot and logic, during the "first" three episodes, having them explained by d&d players actually makes more sense than the movies themselves at some points.  the writers realized this, and just ran with the idea.  the result is an extramly hilarious nerdgasm** of a web comic.  to start you own adventure into what is the amazingness of darths&droids, click here, and be sure to start at the begining.  it's worth it.

* if you had to click the link to know what star wars was, you fail at life.  if you had to click the link to know what d&d was, then you win at life.  if you knew what both were, congrats, you are just as nerdy as i am.

** yes melanie, i am using that word again

my, what big ears you have

so we do ear cropping at my work.  mostly dobermans.  we're the only clinic within 200 miles that does it, so we kinda see a lot of them.  and before anyone gets bitchy about it, we do a really good job, we do it humanly with with pain management, and it's way better for them to come to us and have it done right that to try it at home with a razor blade.  that being said, most of the time i think the dogs look adorable with the floppy ears.  while i can see why this might not make the most imposing looking guard dog, there's nothing wrong with a family dog looking all cute and cuddly.  so usually i'm a little bummed when the owners decided to go through with it.  that was not the case this week.  we had a dog come in who has probably some of the silliest looking ears i have ever seen in my life.  i have honestly never once seen a dog like this before.  he kind of reminds me of the song "do your ears hang low."  this was probably the first time i was relieved that the owners opted for ear cropping.  at least he'll look like a real dog now.

 

porcupine sex!

so alex got upset that the post i mentioned him in had to bring into question sexual preferences.  he also didn't like how i referred to hanging out with him as a sometime curse.  i did not mean any of this in a bad way at all, but alex, just because i luv you so, and i want you to be happy and still go to class on thursday nights so i don't have to go alone, i decided to write a new post for you.  and since you are already taking me out in like 5 different conspiracy theories (that i know about), i figure i should add a legitimate reason for me to be on your "going down with you" list.  and this is also probably a good lesson for everyone else as well.  when talking to a member of the opposite sex that you happen to fancy, there are certain subjects that should never, ever, ever be brought up.  somewhere near the top of this list should be porcupine sex.  i mean, i understand how the logistics of it can be a legitimate scientific curiosity.  but i'm also an animal science major, i went to school for weird animal things.  so i don't think the other person will quite get it as well as i do.  best just not touch that subject at all.  ever.  this should probably be something, that if you absolutely have to bring it up, you wait until after your married, when it's really, really difficult for them to leave you for being a little weird.  but not before then.  and even that's pushing it.

also, what if you do bring it up before then and the person agrees with you on how interesting the predicament of the porcupine love life is?  now things are just going to get awkward from there on out.  you will wonder why they care so much, are they doing it just to agree with you so that you like them better, or do they love porcupines more than you?  and can you really handle the truth on a question like that?

necessity is the mother of invention

so last month the weather here decided to be bi polar.  one week it was over 100 degrees outside, the next week it was freezing cold.  it was also doing the wonderful thing where it was it was blistering hot during the day and near arctic temperatures at night.  it was on one of these days that dani wanted to go to the barn when i got off work.  seeing how it was still nice and hot when we started the drive out, we were both just wearing t-shirts and didn't bother with bringing jackets.  once we got there, the weather had taken a drastic change.  it was now very windy and very cold.  whatever, i'll just ride my horse bareback and steal some of his body heat and it will be fine.

well, my horse was lame, so so much for that plan.  dani and i have our horses on different sides of the barn, so she went off to get her horse ready while i was taking care of mine.  since i couldn't ride, i just brushed him out and mixed together his grain for the night.  after he was happily munching away at his diner, i walked over to the arena where dani was riding.  "so prince is lame so i can't ride toda.........are you wearing a cooler?"  what i had thought to be a red sweatshirt that she had found at the barn turned out to indeed be her horse's cooler.  she had wrapped it around herself like a cocoon.  her response?  "shut up, it's warm."  "dude, you look like you're wearing a snuggie." and thus, the invention of the cooler snuggie was born.  this image will forever be burned into my memory as one of the funniest things i have ever seen.