all wired up

and i mean that very literally.  i'm currently sitting at home with five wires taped to my chest so this thing that looks like an old school cell phone can record my echocardiogram report for twenty four hours.  it's loads of fun.  i can't wear my necklace, so i feel totally naked.  and my boobs are so damn big that two of the wires are actually taped under them, which is super awkward feeling.  i'm just hoping this is worth it an it actually picks up when my heart starts being stupid.  at least they have like a two day turn around, so i should have my results back by next week and can figure out what the next step is.  until then, i get to sit here all plugged in trying to do my normal thing. 

a little scared

and no, it's not because i've been watching a shit ton of supernatural lately.  it's because next tuesday i'm going to the doctor to have them check out my heart.  for the past few days, i've been having what feels like an irregular heart beat on occasion.  today it was happening like hourly, so i made myself an appointment.  sometimes it sorta feels like i skip a beat, sometimes it feels like my heart is contracting extra hard, sometimes my chest feels a little tight.  i listened to it at work, and from what i can tell it doesn't sound like there is a murmur, but it's totally possible i'm wrong.  it does run in the family; my grandma had a murmur, my mom has a valve issue.  i'm hoping it turns out to be nothing, and that they just tell me to cut back on caffeine or something.  but i also know there's a chance that there may be something wrong.  so i'm nervous.  at least this doctor could see me next week.  first place i called couldn't see me until august.  and considering it's my heart and i only have one of those, i figured it was probably best not to wait that long.

treasure chest

so that's my new stage name.  yep, a stage name.  i joined a burlesque troupe, and well the name kinda picked me.  partly due to me being half pirate* and well, other aspects.  other DDD aspects.  but i'm crazy excited about this.  if you couldn't figure it out, my character is mostly based on a pirate.  and since they make pasties in the shape of skulls and cross bones that have glitter on them, i couldn't be happier.  i'm currently working out my routine, one of which involves rum and throwing knives along with a brave audience member, set (hopefully) to the theme song from pirates of the caribbean.  the other depends on if i win these amazing feather fans on ebay.  if i do, i get to fan dance.  if i don't, i need a new idea.  but i have a new excuse to buy shoes and make costumes.  and i get to live out my alter ego as a pirate pin up.  we already have people interested in seeing us preform.  if things go well, we may be doing a show as soon as next month.  the thing that drew me to burlesque is that you don't have to be classically pretty to do well in it.  it's way more open to quirks and alternative appearance.  and it's also way more entertaining than being just a stripper.  and the boy is even ok with me doing it, which makes it all that much better.  just no one tell my mom!  now if you'll excuse me, i have some corset shopping to do.

*according to shannon, i'm half pirate.  and since she is irish, she has determined that if we are ever alone on a deserted island, we will find a way to make rum

why i need to just stay quiet

so my mom is coming down for the weekend tomorrow.  and she's bringing me a new bike.  and we're getting drunk off whipped cream vodka on friday night and going to dinner at tahoe joe's saturday night.  and she's buying me food and stuff.  but anyway, my mom has a tendency to set me up to mess with her head a lot.  and i know i shouldn't, but it's really fun to do.  so we're talking today about the oh so exciting topic of when i last had a pelvic exam done, and i tell her it's been a while but i wasn't too worried since all my other ones were normal and i know the number of people i've slept with and it's not a huge number.  she replies that's a good thing because sleeping around is bad.  so just because i thought it was funny, i told her that i usually mostly try to not do that too often.  and because she's a mom, she has now determined that we need to have "a talk" when she gets here tomorrow.  fml

ps  not super happy with how blogger changed it's layout.  it took me like three days to figure out how to add a new post and how to check my stats.  fuck you change!

drama llama

 

ok well technically that is a drama alpaca, but that doesn't rhyme quite so nicely.  but anyway, who ever told the drama llama that it needed to visit me today, all i have to say is fuck you asshole!  may the fleas of a thousand camels assault your crotch and may your arms be too short to scratch.  because i have enough every day drama of my own, and i really don't need to add to it.  the extremely abridged version of the story is that some women are just fucking crazy.  don't want to post too many details on here just because it involves other people as well and i don't want to impose too much on their privacy.  but if every one could just make me a promise right now, and agree not to marry crazy people, the world would be a better place.  mmmmmmk? now if you'll excuse me, this stress headache is killing me and i need to go down about a thousand more milligrams of ibuprofen.  because my liver doesn't already hate me enough from my large amounts of alcohol consumption.  guess i better start saving up for a new one now. 

happy birthday to me!

so i'm old today.  a whole twenty six years.  in order to make myself feel better about it, i bought myself two birthday gifts.  first off, the one i've been talking about for like the past month: my tattoo!  it's took a little over two hours and hurt like a bitch, but it was totally worth it. it's still a bit red and such, so the shading isn't as detailed as it will be once it heals, but here's a first picture of the final product:

there's still a lot of excess ink and such on my skin because i took this right after the wrap came off, so just kind of ignore that.  i'll post another pic in a few weeks once it heals up.  oh and for part two of my gifts to myself:

shoes!  just because i like shoes.  and they were cute.  so why the hell not.  i'm using the excuse that i needed new shoes to wear when i go out tonight, but it's mostly just because i like shoes and they look cute.  and i don't have any red shoes yet, so it works.  now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to take a nap before i drink the night away.  happy birthday to me!

back to black

not only is that an awesome song, it's also my ring tone.  and as of 6:30 tonight, it's also the color of my hair.  i got tired of my hair.  this happens like every six months or so.  and since i didn't want to cut it, i dyed it.  this time, i went dark.  i haven't done black in a few years, and i really like how it looked.  so i went back to it.  and i'm very happy with it.  if only i could add the cherry red now.  oh well.  that's just going to have to wait.  i have an interview tomorrow, and not sure how they would feel about that.  i'll just have to rock this for now.

updates!

so yeah i fail at regular updates lately, so this post is just going to be one massive update.  first off, vegas was FUCKING AMAZING!!!!  in fact, we loved it so much that we are going back again in september.  the borderline alcoholic side of me loved that it is socially acceptable and even encouraged to walk down the street at 9:00 am with a yard long margarita.  i'm pretty sure i did enough drinking to last me until my birthday, which is good because i probably won't be able to drink until then anyway.  but i just have to say that the big girl side of vegas is just too much fun.  i did get a lot of free or almost free drinks by acting like i was going to gamble and then cashing out when i only spent like $0.50.  i finally got to see the fountains at belagio, the volcano at the mirage, and the new version of the treasure island pirate show.  the only time i got carded was if i was buying alcohol in a store, so apparently i'm old now.  there was an awesome fireworks show on new year's eve.  eight different hotels on the strip shot fireworks off their roofs.  i got to the point where i was swimming drunk, and if you don't know what i mean by that, it's probably a good thing. so that's my sweeping generalization of an awesome weekend.  as always, pics are here.  and no, i did not get married while i was there. 

as for other updates, i collected on my christmas gift from my guy and got the monroe piercing.   i'm super happy with how it turned out.  and honestly, the initial piercing didn't hurt at all.  because ed is amazing.  only reason that it's sore now is because i talk a lot at my job, so it's constantly moving.  i didn't tell my mom about it for like three days because i thought she would flip out, but despite herself she actually likes how it looks on me.  i can't wait until next month when i can take this stud out and pop a little fake diamond in there. 

more to look forward to next month: it's my birthday on the fourth.  which means i'll be even older.  to help myself cope with the emotional pain of getting old, i will be having physical pain inflicted upon my skin.  which means yes, i am finally getting a new tattoo.  this is my birthday gift to myself.  for the few people who don't already know, i will be getting a chinese style horse on my left rib cage, which is to be done by shad over at traditional tattoo.   had my consult appointment with him over the weekend, and i'm beyond stoked about getting it done.  don't worry, i will be posting plenty of pics.

so i think that catches you all up with the major updates.  oh except for this one: having a runny nose fucking sucks balls.  and not in the good way.

slacker me

omg i know i've been super slacker-ish with the keeping up on the posting and such this month.  i'll try to fix that soon, but not tonight.  next week i might have video of me getting my monroe piercing.  at the very least i'll have pictures from new year's eve in las vegas.  and until then, oh look!  a distraction!

via

 ps i'm totally getting a pirate pin up girl as a tattoo sometime in the near future.  i have it all planed out, just need someone to draw it for me.  *hint hint*

inc meltdown

so i'm pretty sure i'm about ready to have a meltdown.  i've just got too much going on and i'm not really sure if i can handle it all right now.  first off, i'm currently in a depression cycle.  which is coinciding with my insomnia cycle (hence why i'm writing this at 3:40 am).  these combined is making me very prone to headaches this week, and i have had several of them.  it is also making it extremely hard for me to be able to find a way to focus and/or be motivated to do pretty much anything.  which is also contributing to my insomnia because my mind keeps racing around from one thought to the next and i can't seem to be able to tell my brain to just shut off and sleep.  this is also why this post is really unorganized; this is exactly how my brain is working right now.  and i have my usual stressors about food, money, happiness.  i didn't get my raise at work, so i'm still living paycheck to paycheck for the time being.  on top of that i'm having to deal with a supervisors who acts like an insane bipolar bitch most of the time.  apparently she considers being extremely rude and mean to be a better way to get someone to do something than just asking nicely.  i'm also fairly certain that she is a large part as to why i didn't get my raise, but i don't have real proof on that.  also she isn't letting me have the day after christmas off, and she knows that my family is a five hour drive away on a good day.  so that means i'm leaving friday night after work, won't get to my parent's house until 11:00 pm at least, and i'll have to miss spending most of christmas with my family since i will be having to drive back here so i can work on monday.  and apparently the fact that i didn't take any holidays off last year, i haven't been home for the last three thanksgivings, this year is this only time i have asked for new year's off, and i've been there two fucking years longer than the people who are getting that day off doesn't mean anything.  i'm also way over analyzing an unrelated situation, which i'm almost one hundred percent sure sure is simply nothing but in my current mind state i'm convinced it's something.  and the stupid book i'm reading has something against quotation marks and starting a new paragraph when someone different is speaking, so i have no idea who is talking half the time.  i'm fairly convinced that if something doesn't change soon, i'm going to have a meltdown or explode or go insane or all of the above.  le sigh.  thirteen more days until i will be in las vegas and can spend the whole weekend in a slightly drunken stupor.  at least i'll be happy and calm then.  let's hope that holds me over until my birthday. 

fuuuuuuuuck

migraines.  fuck them.  that is all.

why the boys love me

so i was on WoW just a few minuets ago.   one of my friends came on, who happens to be a guy, and the following ensued:

me: poke

him: bg?

me: i'm sucking like hard core at pvp right now lol

me: i'm having problems focusing today

him: lol all good

him: we've all been there

me: i tried to take a shower to wake me up, but my shower failed me and ran out of hot water when i was only halfway done shaving my legs

him: O.O

him: omfg that would suck

me: yeah and i had shampoo in my hair

him: bet your nipples could cut glass

me: they can do that anyway if i have the right jewelry in

him: lmao!  true

me: i feel like this convo should be posted somewhere

him: XD

him: same

me: that's it, it's going on my blog

pretty sure this is why all the boys love me.  rather than get offended by shit that's not worth getting offended over in my opinion, i just go with it and make it funny.  oh and also because the jewelry line is a totally true statement.  just put some diamond cutting tips on my spikes and i'll be good to go. 

for the non-WoW readers, bg= battle ground and pvp=player vs player

can anyone explain why...

...my back cramps seem to be completely immune to all forms of modern medicine?  i swear, absolutely nothing i take seems to help.  not even prescription pain killers (with the exception of vicodin, which i have none of).  the only thing that sorta helps is a really deep tissue back massage, and i have no one who can come over and do that until tomorrow night at the earliest.  so i'm basically miserable right now.  and uncomfortable.  and sorta hating life because of it.  and in closing, all i have to say is that periods and pms are proof that God is a man, because no woman, no matter how much she hated her, would wish this on another woman. 

fuck you hormones!

and i'm not talking about the hormones that make me as horny as a sex-crazed teenager.  i actually like those ones.  quite a lot in fact.  the hormones that i'm hating on would be the ones who like to become totally unstable for about three or four days every month, which in turn makes me totally unstable for about three or four days every month.  and today is one of those days.  usually i'm pretty normal (well, in a hormones being balanced kind of way at least), and a large part of that is thanks to the miracles of modern birth control pills.  and luckily with the one i'm on, i don't need to be off them for a full week.  but for those few days when i'm supposed to take the fake pills my hormone levels get way off balance.  and since i'm prone to depression, it's very, very easy for me to slip into a really, really dark place.  and i cry stupidly easily.  and things that on a normal day i wouldn't even waste two seconds thinking about will keep me up all night.  and i break out like a thirteen year old.  so right now i'm fight a war with my brain, trying to convince it that it really needs to stay in a happy place.  and there is another war with my skin trying to convince it that i am many years past puberty and this acne thing is getting old.  and then there is a final war with the fucking back cramps that won't go away.  too bad i spent all my drinking money (plus a lot of his drinking money) last night.  i could really go for a cocktail right about now.  but since that isn't going to happen, i think i'll go hide under the covers.  the fail ninja has been doing that most of the day and it seems to be working out pretty well for her.

my shower has a playlist

and by playlist i mean songs that i sing into my shower head while naked and getting clean.  and it's a pretty random playlist.  seriously, i was all over the place tonight.  start off with this:

amazing song, and i've been singing it all week for some reason.  my favorite part has to be the first time he sings "i will let you down, i will make you hurt."  and not for any emo reasons, it's just extremely powerful the way he sings it.  after this song, my mind jumped to:

another pretty powerful song that can catch you off guard if you aren't expecting it.  i first heard it when it was in shrek, and fell in love with it.  my high school ex also played it with his band, and they did a pretty awesome cover.  favorite part of this song would have to be "love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."   this sorta is emo, but honestly that just makes a lot of sense sometimes.  and because my mind is totally random, this popped up next:

yeah i have no excuse for that.  it's just a fun song to do for shower karaoke, or any karaoke for that matter.  no favorite parts for that one.  moving on now.

i told you my mind was random.  favorite part of that one is the whole damn song because it's fucking amazing and i less than three the chili peppers.  and that's it for tonight.  i was done with my shower by this point, so the music died.  at least until tomorrow night.

how you know you got a good one

so i know i said to expect a few rants, but i'm actually in a decent mood tonight and it's really hard to rant when you're not angry.  first off, i've lost fifteen pounds, my face/neck area looks thinner, my pants are now too big on me, and i can tighten my belt up to the next notch.  i'm still a long way from my goal, but i'm making progress and not gaining it back.  so i'm pretty happy.  that also got me thinking about something my guy had said to me when i first started trying to lose wight.  

as a bit of a back story for those of you who don't know, my ex at one point actually stopped having sex with me because he thought i was too fat.  and he decided to tell me this one night when he was drunk and having sex with me.  came out as something along the lines of "i didn't think i would be doing this again with you until you lost weight."  yeah, you can tell he was a real winner there.  so this brings us to the difference between him and my current guy, and why my current guy is just freakin' awesome.  we were walking on the beach a few months back and i mentioned that i wanted to start trying to lose wight again.  his response was "why?  you look cute just the way your are."  honestly i don't think i've ever had any one say something about my weight that made me feel as good about myself as that did.  so yay to me for actually sticking with it and getting healthier.  and yay to my guy for being amazing.  i don't think he realized how much that little phrase meant to me. 

p.s.  the sex with the current one is great!  and we do it a lot.  so a big yay for that as well

wtf body

i have no idea what's going on with my body.  other than having back pains today, i was feeling pretty ok.  no dizziness, the dry heaving had stopped, things were starting to look ok.  and then for no apparent reason i just up chucked some that i ate two days ago on my lunch break.  felt totally fine before, and aside from being grossed out, feel totally fine after.  this is just getting really frustrating.  i wish i would either just be sick and get over with it in a few days, or be fine and not worry about it.  all this going back and forth stuff is really messing me up.  and on a related note, anyone know a good pain killer that won't upset my stomach any more than it is?  i really don't want to trigger a night of sleeping next to the toilet.  pretty sure that won't make my back any better.

balls

spending one of your favorite holidays fighting the urge to puke, pass out, or both, sucks fat monkey balls.  i'm going to go hide under the covers and sulks now.  to everyone else who is not trying fighting off a zombie virus, because i am now convinced that is what i have, i hope you have a great halloween.  take lots of pics and write down all your stories to share with me so i don't feel so left out.  because i do.  because i'm missing another reason to wear a costume.  balls :(

i got issues

apparently something is wrong with me, but i don't know what it is.  i think it may be possible i have some kind of pinched nerve or i ate something bad or i really did catch a zombie disease.  last week i was having really bad back pains, and that night i ended up getting super light headed and feeling like i was going to pass out.  i also started having dry heaves, got the chills, and felt beyond worn out.  tonight i had a similar thing happen.  i was having shoulder pains all day, and i got very light headed and dizzy.  no matter how much i drink (and i've had about three liters of water so far) i'm still thirsty.  while my stomach is hanging in there so far, i do think i may have a fever because i feel crazy hot and i have the extremely worn out feeling again.  i have no idea what's going on with me.  all i know is that i don't like it.  and that i'm not pregnant. 

because i hate doing dishes

title pretty much explains it all.  i detest doing the dishes.  what i would give to have a dishwasher installed in my apartment.  ask anyone who comes over, and 90% of the time they will tell you that i have a sink full of bowls and silverware.  usually just bowls and silverware.  that is because i use paper plates and plastic cups so i don't have to wash them.  paper bowels don't work worth a shit, and plastic silverware is hit or miss.  so that long intro leads up to this simple conclusion.  i wanted ice cream.  i didn't have any clean bowls.  i am now eating ice cream out of a plastic cup.  because i'm that awesome.  

because it's chocolate ice cream, it was kinda hard to get a pic that didn't remind me of something gross.  i did my best.  the spoon helped a bit.