feline pretzel

so while my cat may be totally fail at being a ninja, she is in fact pretty damn pro at being a pretzel.  and she totally puts herself in these positions, i couldn't stage it even if i wanted to. 

i have no idea how any of that is any form of comfortable.

high five! sorta

so the cheese blarg is having another little contest.  this time you were to submit a picture of an animal high five.  the preference was for a drawing, but since i can't draw animals all that great, and i do have this super spiffy cool camera, i figured i would go for the taking of a picture option.  honestly, i think it would have been easier to just try and draw the stupid cat.  trying to get a cat to high five you is not as easy as it sounds.  and it doesn't even really sound that easy to begin with.  the end result sorta looks more like my cat trying to desperately eat my fingers in an attempt to get at the treat that i was using to bribe her more than it looks like a high five, but whatever.  i should at least get a b+ for effort.*

* b+ because i cheated and used the auto setting on my camera

bath time!

so the fail ninja was feeling pretty grungy lately.  i have no idea why because she's a totally indoor cat.  but some how she went and got herself all dirty feeling.  and since she sleeps with me, i kinda wasn't too keen on that.  so today was bath day.  and while she is actually very tolerant of water due to the fact that i bathed her a lot when she was a kitten, she still doesn't enjoy it.  and since it's the only time she's allowed to go in the bathroom, she pretty much knows what's up as soon as the door closes.  she tried to hide behind the toilet, but considering how insanely small the bathroom is, that didn't work too well for her.  the bath prevailed, and we both survived without injury.  my drain, not so much.  it is clogged with cat hair now and i need to go buy some draino or something.  but at least the cat is clean.  and avoiding me.  oh well.  she'll get over it in about four hours when it's dinner time.  then i'll be her best friend again. 

pretty sure she's trying to flip me off

earning her nick name once again

so it has long been established that kylie fails horribly as a ninja.  so far, the photographic evidence has been, well, mediocre.  what she lacks in stealth she makes up for in speed, and unless i'm really lucky, a lot of shots of her attempting ninja stunts will end up as just blurs of black and white fur.  but not this time!  i finally have hard evidence of what i've always been talking about.  the other day, i was getting ready to go back to work after my lunch break, and the cat had been hanging out on the stairs.  she heard me get up from my computer chair and start walking toward the stairs.  i can only assume that had some grand ambush scheme planed out, because she decided to "hide" from me.  now there is a very, very good reason i put quotes around hide.   according to mr. daniel webster, to hide means to put out of sight; to keep secret; to screen from or as if from view.  to kylie is means this:

FAIL!

apparently she doesn't quite grasp the concept that just because she can't see me, doesn't mean i can't see her.  oh well.  so much for that super sneaky awesome ambush plan.  better luck next time, fail ninja.  better luck next time.

behold! the awesomeness that is nikki's artwork

so a while back one of my friends was bored and looking for some ideas for things to draw.  i put in a request for a portrait of the fail ninja.  what i got was this:

most. awesome. pic. EVER!

this is also the friend who wrote me the choose your own adventure story a while back.  and this is why i less than three her.

lack of creativity = crazy cat lady time

so i got nothing for tonight.  i do not have any more back stock of post for the week because quite frankly i have not been in a creative enough mood to really write anything and i used them all up.  between a two day headache, tons of stress that mostly relates to work, allergies, back cramps, my usual shoulder pains, and a fuck up elbow, it doesn't leave much inspiration to be clever and witty and all that jazz.  that should all return next week.  so until then, here's more pics of my cat being silly.  and yes, i am slightly crazy cat lady-ish, but at least i only have one of them.

she really does wake me up like this

apparently all my shoes are belong to her

this should be like her kiss audition photo

this is her annoyed look because i kept making the flash go off

and that's all folks!

 

i'll take that as a no

so i really want a dog.  i have several good reasons for this.  they're cute.  it's one more thing to cuddle with.  i was in way better shape when i had a dog because i would go running with him every morning, between two and four miles depending on the day.  running alone is really boring for me.  but running with a dog is actually enjoyable.  and dogs are a great way to reduce stress.  but part of the problem is that i know that the fail ninja isn't super keen on dogs.  she's tolerant of the little ones, as long as she is still bigger than they are.  but she is less than found of the big ones.  it took her about ten minutes to come down off the rafters after melanie and her dog hank stopped by.  so i figured maybe i should talk to her about it first.  her reaction?

 

i'll take that as a no

battle wounds

anyone want to guess what this is from?

so it seems like i get a new scar of some sort on a weekly bases.  considering that i work with animals and ride horses, this isn't a huge surprise.  what may come as a surprise is the source of most of my battle wounds.  lots of times i will become horrifically maimed and disfigured at work.  i may or may not be exaggerating a bit on that, it really depends on the day.  but when i show people those scrapes and scuffs, the most common question i get after is "was that from a cat scratch?"  and nine out of ten times, my answer will be a big, resounding NO! because nine out of ten times it was from a freakin little dog, typically some type of chihuahua or chihuahua mix.  if i'm lucky, it scabs up, scars over, and then  fades away into oblivion with my next sun burn.*  if i'm unlucky, it's still there nine freaking months later because that stupid dog decided to use my arm as a tree right before christmas and leave me with a nice purple scar on my left hand to show off in all the family photos. stupid little dogs.  this is why i want a great dane.

*if you haven't already noticed, i'm really, really white and i burn really, really easily.  stupid genetics. 

ever get the feeling you're being watched?

well i get that all the when i'm on my computer.  i just know that some where, someone is staring at me.  and it's not because i'm paranoid. and i'm not imagining things.  and i'm not crazy (well, not the bad kind at least).  it's because i know for sure that i'm always being watched.  and what makes me so certain?  two words: photographic evidence.  yep, i was able to capture the culprit on film.  

she was attempting to stalk me by "hiding" behind my monitor.  she probably could have done this by crouching behind my monitor while on my desk, where it would have actually covered most of her body.  but she chose to crouch on the little ledge behind my monitor that lifts here up to be almost level with it.  and people wonder why i call her fail ninja.  

another thing that is not ninja? trying the whole hiding in plain sight thing and trying to steal stuff when i'm looking right at her.  i swear, she's lucky she's cute.

not even my bras are safe

so we have established that my panties are not safe from the fail ninja.  as of tonight, neither are my bras. out of all the places in my apartment that she could have chosen to sleep at, she picked right on top of my bra.  she has already tried to steal the straps a few times, but apparently that wasn't enough for her.  she has now laid claim (quite literally) to the entire thing.  le sigh.  my poor undergarments. 

oh noes! she lost her legs!

it was a ninja fight.  and well, being the fail ninja, she lost.  her legs that is.  apparently she was out numbered.  and surrounded.  and the other ninjas were better.

yeah i'm bored.  and sleep deprived.  what can i say?  it leads me to taking random pictures of my cat and making up stupid stories about her.   it keeps me awake and entertained.  don't judge me.

people suck

so we had this guy (and this term is used loosely because he should no be allowed to associate with the rest of the human race) call into our office this morning.  i didn't take the call, but i was standing next to my coworker who did, so i could hear most of what was going on.  apparently last tuesday the cops had show up to raid this beings house, and he had two ounces of cocaine in his possession.   he decided that he did not want to be caught with this and had to get rid of it.  instead of flushing it down the toilet, rinsing it down the sink, tossing it out a window, etc., he decided that the best way to dispose of it would be to feed it to his dog.  so he did.  two fucking ounces of cocaine to this poor dog.  apparently the dog has been throwing up and vomiting and not eating since then.  and this douche bag has "no money now" (i'm guessing since he spent it all on drugs) and wants us to tell him what to do with the dog.  our advise was to bring it to animal service and say he found it.  that way the dog at least had a shot at getting treated and maybe getting a non douche bag owner.  and if the dog was too far gone to save (drugs can cause really severe kidney and liver damage that can be irreversible), at least its' suffering would end quickly.  so yeah, this call, combined with the three positive cases of tetrahydrocannabino toxicity (marijuana)  that we have seen in the last two weeks just reaffirms how much people can suck.  so to all the people who are responsible and take care of their pets, i thank you.  to the bottom dwellers who think it's a good idea to give drugs to dogs, may you burn in hell.

of cats and underpants

so my cat has a really weird habit.  ok, she has several, but today i'm just going to focus on one.  namely the one where she likes to play with my underwear.  no, not while it's on  me, you sick people you.  the ones that reside in my laundry hamper mostly.  sometimes the clean ones that are in the dresser if the drawer is open (which is worse because then i feel like i can't wear them until i do laundry again).  it's honestly a little disturbing to me.  she will go out of her way to pull a pair out and then start rolling around with it in her paws.  she enjoys it way too much. she will also try to steal them off the bathroom floor if i'm in the shower and just rub on them.  she's weird.  it would be cute if she did that with socks or something less intimate, but she over looks all of those.  which is too bad because socks are easier to replace.  and trying to explain why there are tiny bite marks on my panties is just plain awkward.

i was originally going to call this post "of pussies and panties" just to mess with every one, but i thought better of it.  i was also going to post a picture with it, but i thought better of that as well.  it just seemed strange to have this many people see what my panties look like.

what i'm working with

so  three four things contribute to me being able to be a good gamer/blogger/geek.  i was going to origonally just say three, but then i realized i forgot the most important factor.  so here it is, the list of things that make me good at the geeky things i do:

numero uno:  the fact that i'm just plain awesome.  this really doesn't need to be elaborated on anymore than that, so moving on.

oooooh! shinny!

duce: the sexiness that is my computer.  there are a few upgrades that i need to get when i have some more money, but over all she's pretty well done.  runs WoW really well and that's all that matters.  and she just looks amazing.  (and yes, my computer is a girl.)

 

running about 4 programs right now

c) this next one was a gift from my dad after i kicked out my ex.  i had been using one of mike's old monitors for a while, and when he left it kinda left with him.  so since my dad is not so good with the words and the using of them to make me feel less sad, he buys me things when i get upset.  so far, this has worked out pretty well for me.  this time it amounted to this beauty: a 23" hd monitor.

#4) the fail ninja!  she goes with me anywhere i go, and any time i do anything on the computer, she is either curled up on the bed behind me (like she is now) or sitting on the ledge to my left.  she likes to keep me company and can usually be a good lap warmer.  and she's just adorably cute.  and i wanted another reason to post a pic of her here.

she really hates it when i disturb her slumber.  but it's the trade off she has to deal with for me feeding her.

963: the stuff nightmares are made of

via

this number causes me to have nightmares.  don't believe me?  ask melanie.  now, you might ask, why such a simple think as a number might cause me to break out in a cold sweat, hug a teddy bear, and curl up in the fetal position?  it's because this number brings back some of the most awful, terror-inducing memories i have of my college years.  it represents the epitome of pure evil.  it is the ear tag number of a cow.

now this isn't just any cow.  she's the reason why i have such an unbridled hatred of dairy cows.  my first experience with her happened to be during my very first milk shift after my training was done.  so here i am, flying solo, already pissed because two cows had bum rushed the gate and went on a wild romp around the dairy before being caught again.  and then this cow shows up.  a stupid little jersey cow.  she looked all cute and sweet, but that was all just a part of her plan to fool you.  while moving her pen up to the milk parlor, she decides to just flat out stop right in front of the barn.  no matter what i do, i cannot get this cow to move.  i try nicely at first, trying to coax her along.  then i try a slap on the rump.  then i try a tail twitch.  then i try a halter.  then i try a halter and a tail twitch.  basically everything but a cattle prod, and that was only because i didn't have one.  so twenty minutes later, this cow has still not moved.  oh, and did i mention it was pouring down rain?  i had to break down and go ask one of the senior milkers to help me move her.  i was in tears by that point.  the only thing that made me feel a little better was that it took two of them to get her into the barn.  i'm not going to go into details how, because it would probably piss off the animal rights groups.

this is also the cow that once decided to go into the milk cute backwards.  unless you've been to a dairy, this is a much bigger problem than you might realize.  the cutes leading to the milk stalls are made to be big enough for the cow to walk through, but small enough where they can't turn around.  this meant that i had to get the cow to walk backwards into the large pen again to be able to get her turned around.  this took about ten minutes to do, because cows really don't like walking backwards.  but i finally got her turned around to where she could now safely leave the milk parlor.  and how does she repay me?  by running by me so quickly that i barely had time to get out of her way.  and to make matters worse, she decided to try and body slam me into the wall.  i was able to get most of me out of harms way, but ended up sacrificing my wrist to do so.  the full 900 lbs of her furry smashed my wrist into the concrete wall.  i guess i ended up lucky, it didn't break.  but it was sprained for about 2 weeks.  which make my next few milk shifts just about the worst things ever since i had to do them one handed.  stupid cow.  i was glad when that one got sent down the road.  now who wants steak?

the fail nija fails again

so i took my cat to work yesterday to get her vaccinated.  no big deal, she had the same shots before without issue.  took her home when i got off, and all was well and dandy until i took my lunch break today.  now if you have ever walked in my door with me, you know that when my cat sees me she runs to the door and rolls over on her back.  today, she just sat hunched over in the middle of the floor.  i figured she was still just sulking since she really hates going to the office with me, so i thought nothing of it and went into the kitchen to make lunch.  i have to pass her food dish on the way, and i noticed that she still had about 1/3 of her breakfast in her dish.  this actually really alarmed me because my cat will literally inhale any type of food you put in front of her.  i got her to come over to her dish, and she turned her nose at it.  tried to give her a treat, and she wanted nothing to do with it.  she then made her way to the bedroom and hid under my bed, which is something she never does unless she is trying to hide a toy down there.  i was able to pull her out and look her over, and she was acting extremely uncomfortable.  so now i'm really freaking out, because even with my employee discount, it could cost some big bucks to get her better.

i kept debating with myself if i should bring her back to work with me or just wait and see how she was when i got home.  i realized that i would just worry myself about her all afternoon if i didn't get her checked out, so a quick heads up call to the office and we were on our way.  once there, we took her temp and it was 104 (a high normal is 102).  so now i'm really worried, and doc is out to lunch.  i just did a lot of busy work until he got back and was able to check her out.  luckily, he didn't think it was anything serious.  he didn't find anything weird on her physical exam, and didn't feel that blood work was needed at that time.  he's figuring she was having a delayed reaction to the vaccines.  not the bad allergic reaction, but just being very, very sore and achy which was probably what was caused her not to eat.  so one shot of kitty pain killer later, and she is now back to her normal self.  wolfed down her dinner when we got home, has been climbing everything, and is now curled up sleeping comfortably on my bed.  as long as she's acting normally tomorrow, everything should be ok.  that is until she decides to eat something weird :- /

fail ninja

so my cat fancies herself a ninja.  problem is, she's not a sly as she thinks she is.  and she wears a bell on her collar.  and about 1/3 of her is white.  so yeah, she's a fail ninja.  but that doesn't stop her from trying.  she likes act all sneaky and steal random things of mine.  especially hair ties.  i'm pretty sure there is a stock pile of those under my bed since they seem to go missing a lot.  she also tries to hide behind things that she is much bigger than.  one of the most common places to see her before what she thinks is a well thought out assault on my slippers would be crouched down behind  my converse.  she also thinks it very clever to try and eat things she is not supposed to when i'm not looking.  i'm pretty sure that she forgets that she has a bell on and i can hear it when she jumps onto the counter.  the best is when she doesn't hear my come down the stairs.  she thinks she is getting away with being a bad kitty.  the look of shock on her face when i come up behind her is priceless. 

the other reason she fails as a ninja is that she is very easily distracted and/or bribed.  all i need to do to divert her attention from her covert operations is to shake the treat jar or get out the laser pointer.  last time i checked, ninjas were not supposed to be able to be corrupted and bribed.  neither were they allowed to be distracted by a small red light. 

my, what big ears you have

so we do ear cropping at my work.  mostly dobermans.  we're the only clinic within 200 miles that does it, so we kinda see a lot of them.  and before anyone gets bitchy about it, we do a really good job, we do it humanly with with pain management, and it's way better for them to come to us and have it done right that to try it at home with a razor blade.  that being said, most of the time i think the dogs look adorable with the floppy ears.  while i can see why this might not make the most imposing looking guard dog, there's nothing wrong with a family dog looking all cute and cuddly.  so usually i'm a little bummed when the owners decided to go through with it.  that was not the case this week.  we had a dog come in who has probably some of the silliest looking ears i have ever seen in my life.  i have honestly never once seen a dog like this before.  he kind of reminds me of the song "do your ears hang low."  this was probably the first time i was relieved that the owners opted for ear cropping.  at least he'll look like a real dog now.