so just to be clear, i'm not doing this for sympathy or attention or anything like that. it's just to kind of vent for myself. like i said above, i can't afford therapy, so i need some kind of outlet. also, if any of you aspiring psychology students out there feel like take a crack at any of this, please do.
i guess my most prominent issue would be insomnia. i've talked about it here a little bit before. it started when i was a little kid and i would freak out if i saw what time it was when i was trying to go to sleep. i would get all worked up because i would know i should be asleep by that time, and then i would get stressed out and it would make falling asleep harder. it go so bad that i would have to turn the clock around so i couldn't see it just to be able to sleep. since then, i get it in phases. it never really goes away, but i will have periods of normal sleep. i don't get it as bad as some people. i can still sleep almost every night. just a lot of nights i don't get much sleep. i will lay down and it will take me hours to fall asleep. and when i do, it's usually not good sleep. i either have lots of weird dreams or never get into a deep sleep and end up waking up a lot. over the years, i have learned to function on less than four of sleep. it's not something i like, but you adapt. it's become worse since i live alone now. on nights when i have someone over, i will usually sleep better. i think a lot of that has to do with feeling more secure when i'm not alone.
my other issue, while probably more serious, luckily doesn't happen as often. i started having really bad periods of depression in high school. i know exactly what started it, but i don't want to get into that here. unless i'm in the right state of mind, i don't like to talk about it because it makes things worse. only a very select few know what it is because of this. honestly, just thinking about it brings back bad memories. this is also the reason why i never got treated for it. my mom had brought me to the doctor during one of these times, and i lied about why i was like that because i didn't want to talk about it in front of her. since then, i get periods where i am just not in a good place. different things can trigger it. sometimes it's my self image, sometimes it's feeling extremely lonely, i still have a lot of emotional issues regarding my ex and certain members of my family, and then there are the usual factors of work, stress, money, etc. it also varies in how bad it is and how long it lasts. some times it's just an hour or so, other times it can last for a week. randomly tonight i was in the shower and just this feeling of intense loneliness and almost started crying for really no reason at all. so yeah, it's one of those nights. yay for me. at least it doesn't feel like this one is going to last for too long. at least i hope not.
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