can anyone explain why...

...my back cramps seem to be completely immune to all forms of modern medicine?  i swear, absolutely nothing i take seems to help.  not even prescription pain killers (with the exception of vicodin, which i have none of).  the only thing that sorta helps is a really deep tissue back massage, and i have no one who can come over and do that until tomorrow night at the earliest.  so i'm basically miserable right now.  and uncomfortable.  and sorta hating life because of it.  and in closing, all i have to say is that periods and pms are proof that God is a man, because no woman, no matter how much she hated her, would wish this on another woman. 

some tips for the fellas

this is just based on some of the conversations and interactions i've had with a few of my guy friends lately.  apparently some of you out there need a little refresher course.  so boys, pay attention, as this will help you with the ladies.  and maybe bookmark this page for future references.

1) NEVER skimp on the foreplay.

2) all girls are crazy, it just varies in type and degree.  the secret is finding a level of crazy that you can live with.

3) lying to girls is bad.  she will find out.  and it will be very ugly when she does.  (want to know why it will be ugly?  see point 2)

4) if a girl answers you with "fine." and nothing else, you better just start praying for forgiveness now, or get ready to pack your bags.

5) NEVER skimp on foreplay.

6) almost as important as point 1 and 5, always make sure she's finished before you roll over and go to sleep.

7) if you just sit down and really listen to what we are saying, we are not anywhere near as confusing , complex, or complicated as you seem to think we are.  in fact, we are far more confused by you than we let on.

8) be nice to our kitties (and i'm talking about the 4 legged feline variety here).  if you can get in good standings with the cat, chances are you can get in good standings with us as well.

9) a lot of times we don't care about sports, cars, the type of music you listen to, the games you play, etc.  we try to care about them because we care about you.  remember to return the favor and do shit that we like that you might not be too keen on.

10) NEVER skimp on foreplay.

hell hath no fury

this is the actual car, sadly we had no after pictures

don't ever piss off a girl.  we have friends who will always take our side and can make your life miserable.  case and point, halloween night 2004.  melanie had come home earlier that week, really upset.  "that guy is such an asshole."  that was all i needed to hear to know that revenge was needed.  "saran wrap" was my answer.  a quick trip to the store, and we were now the proud owners of 300' of saran wrap.  we decided to make our move on halloween.  i put on my black hoodie, and we waited until the cover of darkness.   the only thing we were missing was war paint.  we stealthy made it out of the dorm hall.  we had to be extra sly because he lived on the first floor.   once outside, we were able to relax some.  an eerier layer of fog had started to form in the parking lot.  while some might have balked at being outside on halloween in this weather, we basked in it.  it was the perfect cover for what needed to be done.  "where'd he park at?" "it's over here."  we crept up to the 2 door blue car with the stupid over sized spoiler  and observed our surroundings.  the car was not in the most favorable position for what had to be done.  it was in the middle of the lot, with several cars around who's owners could appear at anytime.  we were going to have to using all of our cunning to pull this one off without being caught.  

once we felt secure enough, we went to work.  out came the saran wrap.  the first victim was the doors.  there was no way in hell we were going to make this easy on him.  i took up post on the driver side, melanie on the passenger.  it took a few tries to perfect our technique, but we did it.  we were soon deftly wrapping the sides of the car, tossing the saran wrap roll over the top, then underneath.  suddenly we saw head lights.  "shit.  it's campus police.  hide!"  hoodie over the head, duck down between the rows of cars, and pray the fog holds.  slowly the patrol car rolled by.  this was the first time we saw the cops, but it was not the last.  we had to wait until they left the parking lot before we could start up again.  we knew we would have to be on our guard until the deed was finished.  this scene repeated itself three times, slowing our progress.  but we were determined.  we were out for blood.

once we had used about 200' to seal the doors, we moved on to the rest of the car.  that ugly spoiler need to be wrapped.  the side mirrors?  those too.  radio antenna? covered.  the coup de grâce would have to be when we wrapped the windshield wipers together.  as a lucky break for us, the dew from the fog was causing the saran wrap to hold tighter than we had expected.  once we were satisfied that it would take him at least three hours to undo our thirty minutes of work, we had to find a way to leave the scene unnoticed.  ducking down between the rows of cars, we ninja moved our way back inside.  we took the long way, entering the building from the opposite side of the parking lot.  we played it cool, the person at the front desk didn't suspect a thing.  our mission had been successful.  now to bask in the glorious aftermath that was to follow.

"did you see that guy's car?"  "wow, some one fucked that thing up good."  "dude, they even wrapped up the wiper blades."  the praises of our act could be heard echoing the halls for weeks to come.  we had become anonymous legends.  we heard second hand that the guy had been absolutely irate when he saw the car in the morning.  for the next several weeks, he parked his car under a street lamp as close to the main building as possible.  eventually someone realized that some girls had done it, but only 4 people other than our selves know the whole story.  the moral of the day?  don't fuck with girls.  when we're out for revenge, we do it  right.